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(no subject) [Mar. 20th, 2010|03:27 pm]
[mood |discontentdiscontent]
[music |Way over Yonder: Carole King]

Lately life has been pretty shitty for me here in Blacksburg.

I hate my job as of late, everyone is just so negative and immature and it is really starting to drive me crazy. In addition to the fact that my boss is always late getting out schedules and paychecks out to us. To make it all worse I keep having dreams about all my co-workers who have been bothering me lately. It just sucks to go into a place and immediately feel on edge. I have to go to work in an hour and I have not been able to enjoy any part of my day because of it. I just really really want out of this place.

To make things worse Matt has been really depressed and moody lately, which has been wearing me down tremendously and I can't seem to get any emotional support out of him at all. He doesn't know what he's doing with his future and he's at a major crossroad. His family has all been talking to me about it as well, and I just don't know what to do or say anymore.

Then of course this past week was another anniversary of my assault which always makes me feel overwhelmed with anxiety- though I'm getting better about it. Its more of an abstract "gray cloud" that looms instead of a concrete and almost tangible fear.

But to make it all worse I feel like I'm not much fun to be around either because I'm so upset all the time. I just don't know how to rid myself of this feeling of being surrounded by negativity.

Then of course I really don't have very many friends here- like 2 or 3- at this point because most of the people I care about have all moved on with their lives and out of Blacksburg.

I just can't wait to leave. I really feel like this is a horrible environment for me at the moment.
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And every cause that ever I fought, I fought it full without regret or shame. [Feb. 26th, 2010|04:00 pm]
[Current Location |Home.]
[mood |awakeawake]
[music |Restless Farewell: Bob Dylan]

Washington State University here I come.

As of Wednesday I've heard back from all the graduate schools I've applied to and I have chosen WSU's offer for the Sociology PhD program with full funding. I don't think I could be happier, except of course if my boyfriend would come with me.

I'll be flying into Pullman early next week for a visit, and hopefully I'll feel welcomed and some of this tension can be eased.

There are so many emotions I am facing these days that I just don't know how to organize them.
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Watch out, the world's behind you [Feb. 15th, 2010|02:23 pm]
[Current Location |Kitchen Table]
[mood |awakeawake]
[music |Vetiver]

Eating celery sticks with peanut butter and nutella.

Thinking about life and this "cold" that I've been carrying around for over 2 months now.
Last night I was coughing so hard I had to get out of bed to throw up.

I am so busy with "school" and yet I can't even seem to find the time for my school work.

Washington State offered to fly me out for a visit as a part of their recruitment of "minorities" initiative. This is a good thing because they apparently only take the top percent of potential minority applicants to do this for.
I'll have a chance to meet with the department and have formal, as well as informal, interactions with the faculty.
Matt will be coming with me, but for the first several days we're out there he's going to be on his own while I'm busy with the campus stuff.
One of his 3 best friends from growing up lives out there and is going to introduce him to friends that own a bike shop.

I was selected as one of 3 representatives for Virginia Tech to present my research at the ACC Meeting of the Minds Conference in Atlanta this April. I'll be down there during the anniversary of our shooting.

I have been so busy with so much of these efforts: I'm TA-ing again for Social Inequality; on a planning committee for the Women & Gender Studies Conference this year; a member of a panel discussion group for the conference; mentoring 2 freshman; working in the Office of Equity and Inclusion and presenting my research again at a conference on my birthday @ the Inn of Virginia Tech.

My brother is officially engaged to his girlfriend, as of Saturday.

Matt and I will be attending at least 4 weddings in the next few months....

and I'm graduating.

Last night working for Valentines Day was hectic. I served tables non-stop without a single lull... all the while listening to the cheesiest of lovey-dovey music.
But Matt bought me a beautiful Orchid, and I ate a steak dinner with my "work valentine" Seth.

Obie is doing well but terrified of the massive amounts of snow still accumulating outside.
I've started to get used to it, surprisingly, and I guess this will be good preparation for the years ahead- Likely further north.

Well loves, I hope this is a sufficient update.
Miss you all a bunch!
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While I'm off chaising my own dreams sailing around the world... [Dec. 28th, 2009|01:50 am]
[mood |calmcalm]
[music |City and Colour]

With my one small backpack, a book tucked under my arm and my wonderful Mr. Hudson I will take off for Nicaragua Tuesday morning at about 6am.

Tomorrow I leave for D.C. (sorry Renee I don't think I'll be able to see you when you get into town) to meet up with my love.

We fly out Tuesday and arrive in Managua at 12:55pm from there, hopefully, Jorge will be waiting for us to buy cheap cell phones and drive us down to his parent's beach house in San Juan Del Sur. This area is suppose to have some of the best surfing around, though I'm not into surfing, it helps me believe the beaches are probably pretty nice as well.

We'll stay in San Juan Del Sur through the 1st and then head out to Ometepe Islands where we'll hang out on our own for the next 3 days or so before leaving for Granada. The Ometepe Islands are two small conjoined volcanic islands with nice hiking and apparently decent beaches, though they've gotten mixed reviews.

Granada's going to be the most expensive part of our trip, as far as places to stay and such so we'll be staying here for the least amount of time before flying back to the states.

I've been trying to convince Matt of doing only one touristy thing and that's the canopy tours-- we'd be riding down Ziplines for about 45 minutes and it'd cost $30US/person... I know its a steep charge in comparison to our other expenses but I feel like it'd be so much fun!
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This cracks me up... [Dec. 17th, 2009|12:57 am]
Quoting Katherine G****:

> Please disregard this email if you are a graduate student.
> I am absolutely freaking out about this exam and I assume there are other
> people in the same boat. So - I have an idea...we should all bring our study
> guides to the exam and ask if we can use the study guide on the
> exam.....everyone has to bring it though so it can be fair. I know this is a
> long shot, but it can't hurt!
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With no coffee maker in 6 months and only $4 to your name, the abusive relationship just simply dies [Dec. 14th, 2009|01:00 pm]
[mood |awakeawake]
[music |The Dodos: Paint the Rust]

I've been having the craziest dreams lately:
Being seduced by Coach Dink
Kayaking in the ocean of some small Pacific Islander country with Matt (my brother) when a tsunami hit, subsequently killing him and leaving me stranded in this foreign place to mourn alone.
Trying to rent an apartment from my Uncle while listening to my niece (who was abt. 9 in the dream) scream at him about how he can't rent it to me because she wants the apartment more. Subsequently I yell at her to 'shut up' and then get the death stare from my uncle for even thinking of talking to his baby girl that way. (oops).
Having to go on a date with some horrible guy but somehow deciding the free meal was worth it enough to go on a 2nd date, only to find that he has not only invited me but another girl just to be extra insulting.
Seeing a fox below my deck and then as I ask my roommate to come out to check it out it jumps up onto my deck and starts creeping towards me like a scared dog until it has its front two paws on my knees and is staring me in the face.... meanwhile my roommate is very casual and nonchalant about the whole thing.

I know that these don't make sense to anyone, probably, and I have my theories about some elements but man have they been strange.

I'm going to Nicaragua with Matt in 15 days and neither of us know any Spanish.
This will definitely be an adventure. I just simply haven't had the time to look into things more than I have already, and I am worried that Matt is more oblivious to the kinds of details that need to be worked out than I originally thought. We'll see.

Its finals time and I have about 65 pages of writing to do before tomorrow morning.
So far my page count is: 16.

I successfully submitted one of my four graduate school applications!!

I'll be back in Raleigh for Christmas on the 23rd.
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Red. [Nov. 9th, 2009|06:09 pm]

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(no subject) [Oct. 22nd, 2009|11:25 am]
[mood |anxiousanxious]

Life and I are not getting along very well right now. I can't seem to get myself to be happy. I'll be happy for a moment or in certain circumstances but in my core I am just miserable. I was on the verge of tears for about the past week probably or in a state of disengagement and numbness.
I took the GRE Tuesday and did really poorly (at least by my standards). This means I'll have to take it again. This means that $150 later I may or may not score better. I haven't been able to write a personal statement to save my life and this has been on my mind since early this summer. I'm a wreck. Matt also told me that he doesn't think he'll be ready to leave Blacksburg in the fall when I do so we'll see what this means for our relationship. I have previously promised myself I wouldn't get into a long distance relationship again because of just how painful it tends to be- but at the same time I really love him too much to just give up. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
Lauren, (my roommate), and I have decided that we are both going to try to lose 8lbs by Thanksgiving. Wish me luck.

By the way today is wear red in recognition of Domestic Abuse day.
I'll be sure to make a note of that in a couple of hours when I go to talk to 2 intro to Women's Studies classes about Sexual Assault.

On a more uplifting note: here are some pictures from the wedding I was in this past weekend:

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You've always been barely alive. [Oct. 7th, 2009|08:32 pm]
University of Arizona
Washington State University
University of Florida
Portland State University
Penn State University
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(no subject) [Sep. 4th, 2009|11:25 pm]
[Current Location |SheSha]
[mood |nerdynerdy]
[music |Ben Kweller]

Consider this:

" Art for the masses has destroyed the dream but still conforms to the tenets of that dreaming idealism which critical idealism balked at." -Adorno & Horkheimer
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