|Today I questioned my existence.
||[Apr. 20th, 2010|07:59 pm]
|||||Rilo Kiley: Go Ahead||]|
Today I questioned my existence.
I though about how small I felt walking down the street. Alone.
I thought about my splotchy eyes and slimmer frame.
I've lost about 10 pounds.
I thought about the need to eat and whether or not I could last as long as I felt like denying this essential part of life. Sometimes the gurgle your stomach makes in its emptiness can be reassuring.
It serves as a reminder that I am alive.
I thought about how I am turning into the crazy ex-girlfriend that yells "fuck you" down the street as he walks away holding the hand of some other girl.
I thought about my friends urging me to do the same.
"Put yourself out there, find a distraction."
We retrieved the last of our things from each others places today.
Stella was jumping all over me- she misses me, I know.
I thought about baseball and my little brother.
I bought him the latest "Diary of a Wimpy Kid," and smiled at the cashier in the bookstore wearing crazy clothes and thought about how I should try to flirt with people like him.
I'm going to a movie tonight with a friend I've always found really attractive. Don't get me wrong, I'm not at that point yet. I cannot be quite so dishonest with myself.
I am learning what it means to have my heart broken, again.
I am learning that it is okay to talk to my family about these things.
I am learning that it is okay that I've been betraying my own sense of reason.
I've been sleeping, or trying to. I've been reading, or trying to.
I changed the background on my computer to a map of the country- with a line linking Blacksburg with Pullman. And I am learning that this is what I need to focus on entirely.
Facts versus romance, you go and call yourself the boss but we're not robots inside a grid. Tech versus romance you're going at it all you want, still we're not robots...