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(no subject) [Apr. 7th, 2011|06:04 pm]
Why is it that I feel so sad even though everyone has shown me so much love today?
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Diffused [Feb. 25th, 2011|07:52 pm]
[music |The XX- Stars]

The diffused laugher and
tones fluctuating in pitch from high to
some friday nights I wonder
walls the voices filter through
number 6? number 8?
Does the cranky older asian lady, sometimes
show herself in a different light?
The pensive, jittery guy who works the
night shift at the local casino?
Who always returns the most hesitant smile.
He found my keys in the parking lot one night,
slipped into my place, left them on the counter with a note.
How vulnerable I should have felt, as I slept.
He knew just where I always left them.

Tonight I spoke
my mother fading into sleep.
The hockey game with Noah was good,
she had told me.
Then there was that moment
when I realize I've talked well beyond the
reception of my listener.
I called her back.
The phone rang busy.
Crying comes easy with a fever of
One hundred and three.

some friday nights I wonder
which walls the shrill gaiety filters through
Are they the same that invite me to
the hacking death-like coughs of that cranky
older asian lady? sometimes does she suspend
writing her formal letters to our landlord about my
balcony use--
have a cold beer and play scrabble with her co-workers.

Or on those friday nights does Sam seek relief from his mid-
night shift at the local casino?
He found my keys in the parking lot early in the winter,
must have been about three or four--
slipped into my place, left them on the counter with a note.
Frozen to the steps, he said.
How vulnerable I should have felt, as I slept.
He knew just where I always left them.
Trying to thank him with a smile is like
lifting a back hand to a once abused mastiff.
but he always glances past my right shoulder, wishing
me a good afternoon and helps
sometimes when I struggle
with the groceries.
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I call this one 'Captivity' [Feb. 22nd, 2011|07:55 am]
[music |The Government Darling]

The tub was filling
dead skin cells pooling around my ankles
I pulled some hair from the drain
and stubbed my toe as I
slipped into a split
across the floor
there was kiley watching,
patiently waiting.
she likes to lick whats left
closest thing to fresh morning dew
for an animal in captivity.
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(no subject) [Feb. 6th, 2011|11:07 am]
[music |Calla: Don't Hold Your Breath]

I used to not like the
inhumanity of it
how sterile, cold
and pristine

but I have eased
become enticed by
the smooth endless rim of a cup
betrayed by just a speck of spilt tea.
the insecurity in the sheen of your hospital wrist band
clinging tightly to the reflection that once
you may have felt stronger than this.

but I read nostalgia in
the tired eyes lacking
the morning after
yearning for the freshly washed
sweaters and sheets.
absence felt in the contrast
the grit on my teeth
toothpaste cannot evict.

He said it was
a perfect medium
portraying possibility and space.
If I could slip quietly
curl up and hide
I am beginning to understand
your patient allure
clean and juxtaposed early in the morning.
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(no subject) [Feb. 4th, 2011|10:15 am]
[music |The Bad Plus]

When time equals zero and
distance equals time.
The magpie waits
on dew filled brances
strewn across a
burdened sky.
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(no subject) [Jul. 20th, 2010|06:13 pm]
[Current Location |The Daily Grind]
[mood |contentcontent]
[music |The Pimps of Joytime: San Francisco Bound]

I made it to Pullman WA after my roadtrip with Kate. We only got annoyed with eachother a little bit and then brown liquor and wine made everything all better.

I cut myself up trying to mountain bike in the Grand Tetons, and other than that only a little sweat and tears. :)

I'll post pictures later! Love.
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Today I questioned my existence. [Apr. 20th, 2010|07:59 pm]
[Current Location |She Sha]
[mood |blankblank]
[music |Rilo Kiley: Go Ahead]

Today I questioned my existence.
I though about how small I felt walking down the street. Alone.
I thought about my splotchy eyes and slimmer frame.
I've lost about 10 pounds.
I thought about the need to eat and whether or not I could last as long as I felt like denying this essential part of life. Sometimes the gurgle your stomach makes in its emptiness can be reassuring.
It serves as a reminder that I am alive.
I thought about how I am turning into the crazy ex-girlfriend that yells "fuck you" down the street as he walks away holding the hand of some other girl.
I thought about my friends urging me to do the same.
"Put yourself out there, find a distraction."
We retrieved the last of our things from each others places today.
Stella was jumping all over me- she misses me, I know.
I thought about baseball and my little brother.
I bought him the latest "Diary of a Wimpy Kid," and smiled at the cashier in the bookstore wearing crazy clothes and thought about how I should try to flirt with people like him.

I'm going to a movie tonight with a friend I've always found really attractive. Don't get me wrong, I'm not at that point yet. I cannot be quite so dishonest with myself.

I am learning what it means to have my heart broken, again.
I am learning that it is okay to talk to my family about these things.
I am learning that it is okay that I've been betraying my own sense of reason.

I've been sleeping, or trying to. I've been reading, or trying to.

I changed the background on my computer to a map of the country- with a line linking Blacksburg with Pullman. And I am learning that this is what I need to focus on entirely.

Facts versus romance, you go and call yourself the boss but we're not robots inside a grid. Tech versus romance you're going at it all you want, still we're not robots...

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(no subject) [Apr. 14th, 2010|11:11 pm]
I have never felt so betrayed by my own emotions for a person in my life. I feel utterly disgusted and just in shock.

How can someone be so selfish and so cold hearted and two-faced?
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(no subject) [Apr. 3rd, 2010|12:36 pm]
[mood |okayokay]

I don't want to get over you. I guess I could take
a sleeping pill and sleep at will and not have to
go through what I go through. I guess I should take
Prozac, right, and just smile all night at somebody new,
Somebody not too bright but sweet and kind who would
try to get you off my mind. I could leave this agony behind
which is just what I'd do if I wanted to, but I don't
want to get over you cause I don't want to get over love.
I could listen to my therapist, pretend you don't exist
and not have to dream of what I dream of; I could listen
to all my friends and go out again and pretend it's enough,
or I could make a career of being blue--I could dress
in black and read Camus, smoke clove cigarettes and drink
vermouth like I was 17 that would be a scream but I
don't want to get over you.

The Magnetic Fields.
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(no subject) [Mar. 31st, 2010|07:41 pm]
[mood |gloomygloomy]

Since none of you live in Blacksburg I feel comfortable letting you all know that Matt and I are not dating anymore as of this morning. This is going to be very tough for me to deal with but hopefully I've made the right decision to end things.

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